My Other Half

My other half
April 30, 2007

I thought we were a team
I pitch, you catch
I talk, you laugh
I walk, you follow
I lay down and you swallow

I should know better
Then to trust you again
I should know better
You’re more like my enemy
Then my best friend

I should be stronger
When you yank tighter on my noose
I should be fonder
Of this silent yet deadly abuse

I should tread lighter
When I am walking two by two
I should be more of a fighter
When I am in the ring with you

I should not shudder
When I hear breaking glass
My eyes should no longer flutter
When your fist heads my way pretty fast

I shouldn’t be surprised
At anything you say or do
I shouldn’t be shocked
None of this is brand new

I should just sit there and take it
No matter how much I hate it
Because Its all my fault Im here
Because not only do I live in you
But I live in fear

Fear that you will leave
And find your way somewhere else
Fear that you will take another
Heart, hand and selfish self
Fear that you will close the door to me
That I have made a mistake, not once but three
Three times an idiot
As they say
My other half you’re not
Just a poor mistake

Feelings

Feelings
April 30, 2007

Hopeless
I stare at my reflection
And know it

Lonely
I look around me and see nothing
And feel it

Anger
I am full of it and it shows
My hatred for everything grows

Loathing
I drown in it
No matter how hard I try to swim

Sorrow
I am deep in it
I cant see past my own tears anymore

Mistrust is all I know
Questions with no answers is all I can show
My heart is swimming and my blood’s full flow
Of tears that encase my hollow shell
Full of bitter angst
And vehement wonders of paradise

Im trying to hold on to something that is not mine
I am clawing at my skin
And hoping that I will find
Peace and solace within my fears
And strength within my gilded tears

Sometimes it just doesn’t get better
Sometimes I bear this sacred letter
And then again
Sometimes there is just nothing
I am just a ball of mismatched ends
Dying in your arms tonite

Rope

April 5, 2007

Rope

At the end of my rope
I look for some more slack
I am hoping to hang myself
And never look back

I’m breaking off a piece of me
In you
Don’t you see?

You have done this to me
Caused this great fatality
You have made me blind to reality

I’m drowning in my own tears
My dreams are now turning into my worst fears

I am being smothered
Teased and tattered
Burned and broken
Fallen and unspoken
All over the floor completely shattered

My heart is empty
My eyes are cold
My arms lay broken
Yet I sit here and do what I am told

You direct me and order me
Like I am your slave
You push me and irk me
You’re just a coward no longer brave

I wish you could feel the burn
Of the rope around my neck
I wish you could feel the pain
When life is squeezed out of you
When there is nothing left of you
But the strings that remain

Invisible

April 2, 2007

Invisible

Invisible kisses
Lace my thoughts
As I dream about your lips on mine

Your words flow out
Like a tainted breath
I am edging closer and closer
To love’s worse death

Your scent is dissipating
In my sheer loneliness and sorrow
The thoughts of you holding me
Disappear into tomorrow

I try to trace your face with my fingers
I wrap my heart around your love
I am getting lost in what we once were
I am suffocating
From the fumes that rise above

If you could only hear my cries
And know that I never want to say goodbye
You would be here with me
In a way that you no longer can be
You would be my savior
My complete and utter destiny

It’s like I can walk on water
And you are at my path’s end
You are my other half,
My lover, my one and only best friend

I speak softly to you
Hoping my words will guide you to me
Praying that when I reach my journey’s end
You will come home and we can finally be free.

Slipping

February 25, 2007

Slipping

The days are slipping
Faster then sand through an hourglass
Except my heart can’t quite keep up
And I am fading out fast

Like a burned out star
Who melts from the sun
I am not gaining a piece of me
Yet I am losing someone

Ripped from my soul
I saw them slowly tremble away
Will they return to me soon?
Seems more like forever and a day

I try to keep busy
And ease the creatures in my mind
I try to look forward
But I am living in what is not mine

Stuck in cement
My heart dribbles through the cracks
It’s hard to piece it together
Won’t you ever come back?

Wishing and waiting
And hoping some more
I stare at the window
As my tears encase the floor

I know this will subside
As soon as light hits my hallow heart
But how much more can I swallow?
How much longer will we be apart?

When you return to me
I will be waiting with open arms
My heart will be able to smile again
The world will be buzzing
And sounding its internal alarms

Gone

Gone*
February 1, 2007

Dear Shari,Here is your horoscopefor Thursday, February 1:Believe it or not, but you do have a say in the final outcome. In fact, people might actually be looking to you to see what they should do next. Assume the mantle of leadership. After all, you wear it so well.


Quiet,
Motionless
I lay with my head in my hands on my knees on the floor
Wishing I could have just one hour, one minute more.

Broken,
Barely breathing
I reach for you
Yet you’re nowhere near
I speak to your heart
And whisper in your ear

Thoughts of loving you
And memories that we made
They dance around us like angels
And sparkle like fireworks in a parade

I long for your sweet touch
As you hold me through the night
I will never stop loving you
Never give up this fight

You are my world
My thoughts
My smiles
I will never love another
Like this for the longest while

If you stay I wont ever let you go
I know now what I need
And I know I don’t want to see you go

The days will get longer
The light will get stronger
My body will become weaker
And my soul will be meeker

If you ever loved me
You would truly know
That no matter what you do
Or where you go
I will always love you so

Please remember me when you’re gone
Let me embody your thoughts,
Your soul,
Your dreams
Let me be the one

Antsy

January 25, 2007

Antsy

Ants in my pants
In my heart and in my soul
Crawling and digging
Making my insides their new home

I’m nervous,
I’m shaking
I am completely all over the place
You can see it in my hands trembling
In my knees quivering
And in the terror written across my face

I feel like I’m falling
With no net and no direction
This feeling is not new to me
But yet more of a fond affection

Watching and waiting
As time seems to drip from year to year
I find myself more and more unsure each and every day
Trying to be who you want me to, my dear

Creepy and eerie
Their tiny claws dig deeper
I can feel them in my head now
More and more they have become my greatest feature

Pulling me in all directions
I feel like a piece of broken spirit
Each moment that passes me by
Not only can I see myself deteriorating
But I can eminently feel it

They have made their way into my eyes now
They have burrowed and plundered and are hiding, but how?
How could I have let them venture this far?
How could I have let myself become a burned out star?

Hoping for some clarity
I let them travel into my heart
My blood is racing and spilling out
I begin to tear my skin apart
I rip and shred myself until there is nothing left
Bones and insecurities protrude
And I start to go unyieldingly deaf

I cannot hear the world around me
Nor see what I have done
But still the ants are predominate
It looks like they have won

Blind

October 16, 2006
Blind

I pretend that I don’t see
What’s really inside of me
I will not turn my back to this
All the lies and boos and hiss
I close myself off to stop the pain
I close the windows so I won’t hear the rain
I shut my eyes and avoid the light
I shut my ears to avoid the never ending fight

I battle within myself for something unknown
All I ever want to do is be with you at home
You challenge me and brawl with me
Until there is nothing left of thee
You spit at me and try to cage me
All you have done is truly enrage me

Engaging, flaming and slightly fueling
Our hearts, our souls are forever dueling
We kiss to ease the pain
And intertwine our bodies to do the same
And when our facades start to fade
We begin to battle and bicker,
The words start to come out much quicker
As our love starts to linger
And disappear into the fire
We are now lost in our wrath and our unyielding desire

I scratch at your eyes and you begin to claw
Our insides are on the outside now
Our hearts are bleeding and eternally raw
We have split into two
With no sign of a fix
We have become unglued
All that is left is a pile of sticks

Sticks and stones make break my bones
But your love is the only thing that can hurt me
I will no longer be blind to you
I would rather gouge out my eyes
Then give in to the real you
I cower into the darkness and retreat once more
Then again,
What are we really fighting for?

Displaced

November 15, 2006

Displaced

I’m hanging by the brink of sanity
Dangling by a thread of reality
As I begin to look away
The edges start to fray
A part of me is finally unraveling

I hide within myself
As the days begin to fade away
The pages drop like acid rain
None of my memories can be retained
I have lost control of me
And I need to be detained

Like a dirty window
I try to find the light
With broken nails
I scrub and scrape
And still I wake
Behind the cloud I hope to fight

Jealousy won’t get me too far
I use it as my life crutch
It’s like a cane with a glass emblem
And if it breaks I am completely out of luck

I search my soul and hope to find
Answers that will sooth even the weariest of minds

Logically,
There is a way out
Psychologically,
My heart begins to rage and shout
Mentally,
I am not prepared for this
Finally,
White flags in tow I throw up both fists

I am displaced
I am replaced
I cannot face
Myself

Shaking

Shaking

August 14, 2006

Shaking,
Trembling before you
I lay out my heart in my hands

Its cold and its broken
Bleeding,
Unspoken
Are the words that won’t come out of my mouth

My head is spinning and my heart is numb
I lay down in the middle of it all
And forget where I’ve come from

From a place of mistrust
And lies like no other
How did I get back here?
You should’ve never been my lover

Your heart is black
And your soul is twisted
You have no morals,
No conscious
Just a bunch of dead and tired wishes

You’re a burned out star
That lost its shine
One day you will be begging for me
But you’ll be out of luck and out of time

Go find what you think you need
And make sure she’s the right one
Because my heart is now closed
And we are now done.

Omnipresent

Omnipresent

July 26, 2006

Another empty tear rolls down my cheek
The words are bubbling inside of me
But I cannot speak

Another shallow breath
Where I breathe your name again
Wishing you would hold me close
That I could hear your heart beat, my friend

I linger for your sweet caress
And long for our undying spark
I carry your name within my soul
I etched it there in the dark

It’s funny how things can end this quick
When you don’t even know why
It’s funny how our love can just fade
And how a part of me can just die

The hurt is so strong it pulls me in
Like a tidal wave crashing and I can’t swim
The hurt is so eminent that I can’t see
Like a twister has erupted right in front of me
The hurt has taken me over and I am powerless
The hurt is all that is left of us,
We are one sweet, sweet mess

I rewind the tapes inside of my head
I try to remember what I had said
I’m coming up blank like everything has been erased
Before I know it, even I will be replaced

Love is omnipresent,
It’s around us everywhere
Love is too precious, to cheat it or lose it,
And definitely not to care

Take me with you in your heart
Remember me always,
Promise me dear?
Remember the laughter, the tears and the smiles
Let them hold you and snuggle away your fears
Let our memories be the glue that holds you here

Perfect Fit

Perfect Fit

June 6-2006

I used to think we fit
Nestled in your shoulder blade
Now my perception is twisted
Somewhere along the way I must of missed it
Either I have molded
Or you had folded
One of us had changed
Because my style had become
Completely rearranged

Face to face
And eye to eye
I have seemed to find my niche
We line up almost asymmetrically
As I have found the most perfect fit
We snuggle and tangle
Until we become one
We rustle and bustle
Until the job is finally done

One heart we have become
And this game of love we have won
For now I no longer remember
My recent endeavors
Or what life was like
Without loving you and being in your arms

Pandora's Box

May 15, 2006

Pandora’s Box

Gilded and golden
Wrapped in olive branched leaves and twine
Shining before me
All of the answers are finally mine

In awe I take in its glory
And succumb to its mystery
I ponder the possibilities
Of true knowledge waiting for me

If I am to open this box
Will my life be any better?
If I am to walk away from this chance
Will my heart start to truly whither?

Sometimes being ignorant
Is the best gift you can receive
If one knew all of life’s truths
It would surely make them fall straight to their knees

Alarms in my head begin to sound
I ignore the screams and pleads of no’s
As I begin to break the lock
And rip apart every caution filled bow

Once it is open the horror begins
All of my tears start flowing
And out come pouring all of my sins

I gasp from all of the lies
As they come straight for my soul
I knew this is what I would find
But I didn’t care
Nor wanted to stop
Because I knew I had to prove it in my mind

Pandora’s Box had no written instructions
No warnings or caveat to hinder me
I dove right in and now I have only me to blame
My life has taken my last wind from me

All of my castles that were built in the sky
Had finally come crashing down
All of my dreams that I painted in permanent marker
Started running off the page and made a horrible dripping sound

I lost my life that day
The day my curiosity got the best of me
I lost my love that day
The day the truth finally overtook me
I lost hope in purity that day
The day that I learned lies were better then reality
I lost myself in Pandora’s Box that day
The last day I would ever surrender to that kind of fatality.

Bed of Lies

May 8, 2006

Bed of Lies

Tangled up in you
You’re tangled up in me
We lay silently in a bed of lies

Swimming in my fear
And drowning in my tears
I can’t help but to continuously cry

Even if a speck of hope lays between my legs
I will try and stretch them out
Fit every square into a circle peg

I painted a picture of us
And hung it high in my heart
All the colors started to drip
And the binding ripped apart

I reached for the sewing box
And was in complete despair
All of the thread had fell through the cracks
And none of the needles were there

I changed from pointillism to impressionistic
I thought if I altered my perception
Things would turn out more realistic

I ran into problems when I started to draw
I ran out of ink and noticed a bunch of flaws
As I examined more clearly
I was in shock to find
All of the damage was surely mine

Blinded by your lies
I ate them all up
I began to ask for seconds
And hadn’t yet had enough

I dove in head first into the shallow end
I cracked my head upon cement
And truly lost a friend
Blood began pouring from my skull
And like I had expected
We had become null

Sans you,
Sans me
My blood carried me to euphony

And although salvation is stretched before my eyes
I’d rather be ignorant
And love you
In your bed of lies

Split

March 7-2006

Split

Side splitting
Hard hitting
Thumbnail spitting
It seems that I am all over the place again
Heart dripping
Insides ripping
I lose myself in my thoughts every now and then

Right down the middle
I have been cut into two
I let out a little giggle
As I nervously wiggle
Into a new persona or two

Door one or door two
So much to choose

Do I go or do I stay
Will I ever find my way?

Back and forth
And around again
I find myself a little lighter
Front and back
Around in circles
Who knew inside of me was such a fighter?

I know what I want
I know what I need
I know what my body truly aches for
So why is it so hard to make a choice,
When this is everything I have wanted and more?

Two different people
In one body true
Two different hearts
One is black and the other is blue

Torn by a mystery
And stitched by a song
My journey has become much too foregone

The breadcrumbs have vanished
And I’m all alone
I waited too long
All of my options are now gone

I reach my hands forth
I come back with a fist full of air
I am distraught and disappointed,
I thought you would always be there

I guess what they say is inevitably true
Better make up your mind
Before all that’s left is merely you

Wrong Path

Path

March 23, 2006

On the beaten path
I stop and ask myself why
For if this path is my destiny
How did it go so array?
I put up a roadblock in direction A
Hoping that he would surely stay away
Faced with the challenge
He quivered and crumbled
“I couldn’t find the answer”, he mumbled
He kept on walking
Humming a tune
Staring blankly at the stars
On a bright, crisp day in June
Along came direction B
Where I had set up a trap
He tiptoed around it
And broke his back
He hollered and screamed in pain and anguish
He just simply rolled his eyes
And began to regress
Although he kept going
His steps got shorter and slower
Turtles had whizzed right by him
Spitting on his shoulder
From up ahead he spotted path C
His head started spinning; he could hardly wait and see
This time I dug a hole so deep
That when he went running
He fell into it hitting his head and fell fast asleep
He slept for a long time
With no-one there to wake him
I think I finally caught him
But as usual, I was mistaken
While he was resting
Another was finding her way
She stopped to tie her shoes
And heard his dreams come into play
She looked down below her
And shouted out for him
Her voice awoke his slumber
And he began to grin
Although there were more paths to block off
I didn’t anticipate this
She helped him from his hole
And now they walk together in bliss
Back on the path
I am still finding my way
No matter what I did so did they
Lesson be learned
You can’t stop destiny
Even if prolonged
You will always fall short, you’ll see

Juggling

Juggling

March 21, 2006

Three different balls up in the air
Not enough hands
Too many to share

Three different directions
With three different ends
Three different love stories
With three different friends

My eyes are averted
My heart is now closed
My hands are trembling profusely
And blood is pouring from my nose

Pieces of me are all over the floor
Shadows of me walk through the door
I turn to face them
And cannot see
This person I have become
Is no longer me

I’m lost behind my own eyes
I have lost myself to my surprise
Juggling my heart over my sleeve
Why is it so hard for me to leave?

Faced with my demons
I cower and hide
With nowhere to go
I am totally lost inside

Three different balls flying in the air
Three different scenarios
I just don’t seem to care

Maybe I’m not ready
And maybe I never will be
My heart is invisible
It’s finally faded from me
Although the future rests solely in my hands
I refuse to catch all three balls
It may just ruin my plans

Shades of Blue

February 16, 2006

Shades of Blue

I hide behind this talisman
Of deep cerulean blue
It is more then just a jewel to me
It’s a strength I never knew
Whenever I find it hard to breathe
I take comfort in its smooth exterior
And the fact that it rests perfectly
Between my ribs and Close to my heart bone
It makes me feel that much less inferior
If I ever took it off the world would truly see
The deep criss-cross scar I have
Resting underneath
Every year it seems to fade
And melts within my skin
But every time my neck is bare
There the scar will then begin
I’ve tried so many things to cover it up
Over the years
I’ve altered my facade,
Changed my name
But without it,
I always seem to get lost in my tears

Sapphire charm
You’re like a shield from the storm
You weather the bad
And hoard in the good
And let true love begin to form
Yesterday you broke off of my neck
And fell into the cracks
I reached my feeble hand in to find you
And almost broke my back
I kept on digging
Hoping upon hopes that you would be there
I came back empty-handed
And full of unyielding despair

Azure pendant where are you now?
Did you find another heart to hide?
No matter how loud I wail and plead
You are gone and I am lost in the tide
Bare-chested and naked to the world
I find myself alone again
Just a lonely heartbroken girl
With a deep scar that I need to mend
Heal me with your powers
Make everything better again
Warm up my silent un-beating heart
Please don’t say this is the end

Indigo amulet you have slowly faded from me
I am sinking in my misery
And I am now nothing
This is what has become of me
Brittle bones and black heart
A shadow of what I once was
A memory of what I was to become;
I am merely blue dust in the wind.
After I had passed on
The skies began to weep
But in my grave
All the way underneath
A blue stone was found,
On my chest,
Between my ribs
Hiding my heart bone,
Finally allowing me to rest in peace.

I'm Sorry

February 13, 2006

I’m Sorry

I’m sorry for all the tears you cried
That I wasn’t there to dry
I’m sorry for all the pain in you heart
That made you feel like you wanted to die
I wasn’t acting like myself
I hate myself because of myself
I’m sorry for all the times you screamed
And I wasn’t there to listen
I’m sorry for all the lies that were told
And all of the things I did without permission
I’m sorry for never taking you seriously
When you told me you were out the door
I’m sorry that you’re falling in love
With someone better then me for sure
I’m sorry I can’t win you back
When it used to be so simple
I’m sorry things aren’t the way they should be
I’m wishing I was invisible
Finally I’m sorry for the story I created
I wish I had an eraser that could delete all the pages
I wish I never knew you
Because then my heart wouldn’t feel empty
I wish I never knew me
Because then I wouldn’t feel so shaky
If you ever come back to me
I will never be sorry again
Because this time will be different
This time will be the end.

Pressure

5.13.99

When you breakdown,

I'll be here for you

When your heart pounds

I'll be here for you

When you cry so loud,

I'll be here for you.

When my eyes cry,

will you be there for me?

When my heart dies,

will you be there for me?

When my soul lies,

will you be there for me?

When the fights begin,

will we be together?

When we begin to sin,

will we be together?

When neither of us can win,

will be be together?

Is our love eternally forever?

In your heart,

is my love truly treasured?

Can we handle the pressure?

Will our love fade?

Never Ever.

Breakdown

5.13.99

Walk away

to start the day

Run away

go astray

Will you ever make up your mind?

Can we go back in time?

Do you know the price I pay?

Of you in my heart always...

So...

Walk away

my love

Jump high above

When you fall,

I may not be here

When you call,

I may not want to hear

So beware my love

Before I breakdown

and take care of

the heart you have found.

Strangers

7.10.99

My heart stopped
there in the dark.
The only light on
was the one dimly lit in your eyes
My head started to spin
as all of our memories flew right in
The music began to play
and so did thoughts of that day
We walked past one another
as if we were strangers
tears fell down my cheeks,
I could hardly breathe.
Were you looking at me?
Or right through my soul?
I was focused on you,
I lost all of my control
As the night came to an end
I searched aimlessly for you
I came back empty handed
I think this time,
I really lost you
You have become just another stranger

Backwards

1.24.01

Up is like down

when you're around

In is like out

When you're about

The sun comes out at night

The off switch turns on the lights

No means yes when I am with you

The sky is green and grass is blue

Far away lands are just next door

When I say less,

I mean more.

Tears roll down,

But there's a smile on my face

I haven't yet to open my mouth,

But I've already got my taste

Being without you is like being incomplete.

When it's snowing outside,

you always seem to provide the heat

If everything is perfect when you're around

Then if you weren't here

I'd be lost,

Waiting to be found.

Control

11.25.98

You have persuasion over me
I have no clue why
You've trampled on my heart you see,
And brought me down to size
All the smiles you've brought to me,
You've quickly took away
with all of your selfish acts
You know you're going to pay
Things may seem funny now,
it's all just kiddy games
But when I get my revenge
you'll be the one to blame
So close your eyes and seal your lips
Just wait for our final kiss

Shallow Star

1.22.01

Shallow star

Empty Poison

The day could illuminate

behind those that allow hate

So that no moment should fly.

Yes moon,

Justify my dreams.

Death would never color my heart the way you do.

Generous laughter shields,

nothing.

Midnight wastes our envy.

So honey,

follow your hollow panic.

Go far enough to be stubborn,

but try to keep our sunlight alive.

Sometimes

4.26.99

Sometimes my dreams

are wrapped up in tears

Sometimes my heart

is bound by my fears

My hands shake,

the earth quakes.

Sometimes the stars die

in the sky

Sometimes I feel

your presence near by

Your fingers touch my lips,

my whole body begins to twitch

Sometimes you love

and you let me know

Sometimes you love me

and you let me go

Sometimes I need you

and sometimes I don't

Sometimes I tell you

and sometimes I won't

Sometimes the future

seems so dark

Sometimes I wish

you never took my heart

For all of the sometimes

I wish it was forever

and for all of the emptiness

I wish it was never

Masks

(Unknown month 02')

Nobodies life is perfect

no matter what you think

everyone has some inner turmoil

that they want to solve,

they just wear their masks better then others.

Masks are a funny thing,

its rare that you see someone whose mask is off

because that's what they want you to see,

who they wish to be

not who they actually are.

And even if you think you're mask is

catching dust in the top drawer

you better check your rearview mirror again

because your mask has become a part of you,

a piece of your being.

After all,

everybody does need somebody sometimes,

they need themselves,

mask-free.

Who Am I?

12.01

Who am I?

Can you really ask who I am?

Because I really don't even know myself.

All of you,

don't even know each other.

You're all repeating mirrors,

like a fun house maze,

with no beginning or end.

I appear to you as simple,

pretty face with a tasteful disposition.

I'm a full bag of marbled items,

fantasies, dreams and endless wishes.

I'm a twilight sky,

with a couple of burned out stars.

I'm a faded smile,

that masks a heavy heart.

I'm bound to reality by chains,

But I'm desperately longing to spread my wings.

So you see,

I'm not all that easy to be defined,

especially by one question.

So how can you ask me who am I?

XTC*

4.4.00

The mix of hands

With the vibe of light

Causes my sunglasses

To hold dreams

That are the bridge

Of beats

Which nervously shutter

Us to completion,

In ecstasy.

Merry Go Round

8.18.03

Two steps forward,
always seem to take me
Two steps back.

I'm glued to the merry-go-round now,
and I've misplaced my ticket.
All the beautiful, white ponies are taken,
leaving behind mere shadows.

I grasp the gold pole,
desperately trying to hold on
Faster and faster I ride,
each minute goes by,
without my permission

But, how did I get here?
I don't meet the height requirement,
I never could
I'm stuck in this endless loop,
and I'm afraid to step off.

I'm not sure of much right now,
I couldn't fully grasp the concept if I tried
Even if it was laid out
on a silver platter,
it wouldn't be enough for me

The only way to get where I am going
is to stay on,
BREATHE in,
and keep riding.
Because it's not the destination that matters,
it's the journey.

Die

4.19.99

Sea of Agony

Painful Finish

Wishes of despair,

Run through my eyes

All the thoughts & memories

are bound by lies.

For everything right that you did,

nothing good has unraveled,

This is one road,

I wish I never had traveled

Quicksand

9.29.02

Wrapped in your skin,

it all fell apart

I misplaced my heart

Back on the path and my bread crumbs were gone

The hourglass was broken

Covering me in sand

I pulled myself out,

found dry land

I traced along the dotted lines,

remembered my sketch

of how I was before

Found myself floating

amongst the sea

Awaiting a prophet

to take me home

When I forget my strength

I fall back into the quicksand

but someone I can return to my feet

and stand with my head towards the sky

Sunlight from my eyes,

Stars from my hands,

I think this is it

I can finally breathe again.

Myself

7.13.01

When I was little

my favorite thing was time by myself.

No-one to listen to,

No-one to disagree with,

Just myself to answer to,

myself smiling back at me,

through the pink, bubblegum mirror

As I grew older,

myself faded away,

and it's imprint was stuck,

crying in my pink, bubblegum mirror

I found love,

and fell fast

and now myself was truly lost,

But no matter how hard I looked

I never found myself again

For in love,

I lost myself and became someone different,

unrecognizable,

Someone who couldn't be alone,

who needed to be with another.

Sometimes I wonder,

if I will ever find myself again,

because I miss me,

in the twilight hour,

laughing and happy,

in my pink, bubblegum mirror,

all by myself.

Personally

6.25.01

Personally,
I could care less
If your words were strong enough
to come falling down,
and dismantle my brilliant crown,
that I recently placed upon my head
with high hopes that
it would finally stay stable
Is anything real enough
that I could place my troubles against it,
without it breaking?
All I see is glass menageries,
cloaked in sheep's clothing
With their soul purpose to hide & disguise
I wonder what they see
on the other side of my ocular vessels,
staring straight through me,
with their opinions already formulated
Could they possibly understand
my intricate brain patterns?
The ones that have slowly trickled
out through the years,
from behind my lower lobes.
My insides shed a tear,
and leave me soaked,
without my umbrella,
drowning practically
in my own self-loathing,
and my eyes are filled to the 3/4 quart line
and I can't breathe now,
but personally,
I could care less.

Alice's In Love

5.25.05

I'm falling fast into your arms
You're my escape
From all that's routine
Countless gestures,
Small tokens of your affection
Fill the spaces in my heart
Puzzle pieces become scattered,
Instead of organized
You end where I begin.
I long to see myself in your eyes,
I know you'll keep me warm
Once I get there
I pinpoint my exact strategy
to become a prisoner of your heart.
I promise to sit quietly,
and only occupy a small sector of it,
if you let me.
Falling faster now,
down the rabbit hole,
I'm no longer grasping for branches
I welcome the speed,
I smile at the insanity of it all
and take comfort in the unknown
Because where I am headed
there is no safe landing
and I do not fear it any longer
I embrace us,
I welcome the possibilities,
and I promise to send you a postcard,
when I get there.

Famished

5.25.05

Breathe In...
Smell the fire that lingers from your kiss
It emanates from your being

I belong inside your soul
I seek your comfort
and yearn for your electricity

Breath Out...
I release your connection,
upon reality
I immerse myself in the truth
The realm caves in around me
I love for the magnetism

You touch me,
caress my thoughts
with your tongue
I drown in your longing,
I'm hungry for you now,

Completely Famished...
I'm starving for your warmth
I close my eyes,
Breathe In, Breathe Out,
and I fall
Deep into denial,
Leaving no forwarding address,
Erasing all of the evidence
and waiting anxiously to dive in for seconds

Swallowed

4.23.04

Sometimes the memories are just too fresh
To wallow in them
Sometimes they cloud my head
And I can go deaf for hours
I blink,
I think,
I still don’t know why?
I swallow my pain
It swims around inside of me,
Scratching,
Clawing,
Desperately needing to submerge
The emptiness swallows me whole
It overcomes me,
And succumbs me to nothingness
It’s like a reel picture show
And I’m the star
Except the words don’t formulate
But I still know the script by heart
I’m spinning now,
I’m out of control now,
Does anybody hear me now?
DOUBTFUL
Nobody ever hears you scream
On the other side of the glass.

Band-Aid

10-24-04

I'm deep in the cut now;

I'm lost in the blood.

Rouge swirls encase my body.

I thought I'd never be here again,

that I lost the directions for good this time.

But when everything's falling apart,

and my walls have come crashing down around me,

and where I used to find safety and support has made my heart break;

Where else can I go,

but here?

To the once familiar pain,

I've caused myself.

His love is my band aid,

my anti-septic,

that heals all of life's wounds.

Without his shield,

I wither from the fiery dragon.

I melt away with time,

and bleed myself for comfort.

Breathe

I want to reminisce
About us
over and over again
I want to meet you in my mind
and embrace your heart
I want to hold you in my arms
And breathe in your skin
Youre the best part
about being in love.....

3.31.05

Rage

3-24-05

Always the rage that builds inside of me,
is the calm before the storm
I can never see straight
When I’m burning inside
So many questions
Not enough answers
I wish I had an almanac
With some clarity
You fuel me,
You rage me
You bring me to my knees
You’ve pushed me,
You’ve caged me
You made me beg and plead
How much longer will I be unsure of us?
How much longer will I be immune to us?
The world’s arms are closed to me
They sit there crossed and cold
Without an invitation in my mailbox
Nothing tangible for me to hold
If I regress now
Will I come out on top?
If I progress now
Will I be stuck to the bottom of everything?
Looking up,
Looking down
I’m always too occupied to look all around
I’m forced,
I’m battered
I’ve gone till I can’t walk anymore
I’m swollen,
I’m shattered
Pieces of me are all over your floor
Pick me up
Carry me in your warmth once more
Put me back together
Be the glue that I’ve ached for.

Inside

September 13, 2005



I want you to say good morning
to tell me you miss me
love me when I don’t love myself
count down the hours till we're together
whisper sweet nothings in my ear while I sleep
wake me to kiss me
wake me to make love to me
look in my eyes and stand still
you inhabit me
past, present and as far as I can see
you provoke me
in life, love and all the in-between
you complete me now,
always and like no other before
you are my heart
a piece, a half, the whole thing
wrapped tightly in us
and sealed with a kiss*

Replacement

September 19, 2005


I wonder if she would fit
In the spot where I once laid
I wonder if she would fit
In the broken pieces you have made
Cut
Stitch
Draw
Trace the lines around my eyes
Slowly
Snip, Snip, Snip
Make sure to outline the heart just right
Trace
Sketch
Redesign
Is it that easy to replace?
If I line her and I side by side
Will one just surely fade?
Tape
Glue
Fasten
Almost perfectly she hides my fingertips
As her silhouette blends across the page
Smooth down
Cover with glass
Hang with two, not one upon the wall
Step back 3 not 2 years
Look forward with even tilt and calm
Perfect
Perfectly imperfect
She stands where I once was
Kiss
Hug
Breed
She makes a perfect body double
As my body trembles to the ground
Shaking
Crying
Breakdown
My head in my hands on my knees on the floor
Sobbing and wailing just wishing for more
More pain and more emptiness
To sooth my weary soul
Snap
Enlarge
Presto
Just like that 2 not 1 becomes 3
Three lives, three heartbreaks, three new stories
Memories that will live forever
In the photograph
Of my broken world
Where you left me
Invisible

Fresh

December 12, 2004


Can you feel that?

Can you hear it?

Pumping thru my central nervous system like a virus I can't shake.

Can u feel it now?

Can u smell it as well?

The scent of us lingers down my spine

I still feel your presence like a tidal wave

Crashing against my bare skin.

Funny how you can still inhabit me,

immensely and intensely, suffocating my strength,

Chopping me down to a feeble being.

I’m needy now, I’m vulnerable now,

I need your warmth to keep me going

Can you feel that?

Its you;

eating at my insides,

ripping my heart to shreds

The earth is moving and crumbling beneath our footsteps,

yet you are never shaken,

nor stirred

Just simply ignorant.

Rain

October 8, 2005


Nothing is sadder then the rain pouring outside my window
The drops at least are happy when they fall
I too like the rain am pouring
Pouring out my heart
Pouring out the tears from my eyes
Emptiness subsides me
Nothing is sadder then watching the lights
Not emanating from my phone
The only sound I hear is the rain
And my heart
Slowing down
Waiting
Wishing
You would call
Just once
Hello
I miss you
I’m thinking of you
The way you smell, the way your body moves under the sheets
The way you make me feel when I catch your eyes with mine
Just once
I wish I would hear more then the rain
More then my pain echoing from my chest cavity
I am wishing I was the rain
At least then I wouldn’t be lonely
I could dance with the other drops
As they embrace the ground, the cars, the street lights
Everything they touch they fuse with
And melt into one
But they never die
They are just reborn
And my phone is still silent
And so are my tears
Nothing is sadder then the rain outside my window
Except the rain inside my heart

Dandelion

12-21-04

I want to wish my old life away,

have all the chapters get lost in the wind.

Each piece floating in a diff direction,

far, far away from me.

There will be no road map,

or trail of breadcrumbs to follow,

No street signs that would ever lead them home*

From the wilted dandelion I call my life,

I want new pedals to emerge,

to flourish and grow,

without a single trace of the old

Then I want all the pieces to match up in my puzzle

And I want my new life to remain,

for no longer will I make this kind of wish,

As long as I can wish my old life away*

Games

January 6, 2006

Like a game of chutes and ladders
This time it’s down for me
Keep all arms and legs inside
As we continue on this ride
My eyes feel like deep caves
That had been scraped of all of their melatonin
Empty carcasses dangle from the ceiling’s highest arch
Somewhere deeper you lay
As you lie to me
And I cry to thee
You always find a way to keep me silent
Invisible braces lace my mouth shut
Small wire fences enwrap my orifices
I’ve lost my voice somewhere back there
On memory lane where we once relished in
Back there,
I danced in your heart and your laughter
I swam in your tears and your blood
I frolicked through your eyes and your soul
And rested my head in your once loving arms
Your picture seems brighter now
Almost illuminated solely by your soul’s strings
And I played cats cradle with them
And wrapped each piece of you around my fingers
You slowly unwound yourself
From my grasp
And from my head
You hobbled on your cane of salt and glass
You never looked back
Not even once
For if you did
You would’ve seen me breaking
Into a million pieces
Pieces of stars and light waves and anguish
Pieces of moonbeams and gumdrops sorted by color
Pieces of broken ribs and blood vessels
All form together
To make a completed puzzle of what I once was
Before our game began
Before I had no voice
And after my heart had begun to finally heal,
We began round number two.
Game on!