Masks

(Unknown month 02')

Nobodies life is perfect

no matter what you think

everyone has some inner turmoil

that they want to solve,

they just wear their masks better then others.

Masks are a funny thing,

its rare that you see someone whose mask is off

because that's what they want you to see,

who they wish to be

not who they actually are.

And even if you think you're mask is

catching dust in the top drawer

you better check your rearview mirror again

because your mask has become a part of you,

a piece of your being.

After all,

everybody does need somebody sometimes,

they need themselves,

mask-free.

Who Am I?

12.01

Who am I?

Can you really ask who I am?

Because I really don't even know myself.

All of you,

don't even know each other.

You're all repeating mirrors,

like a fun house maze,

with no beginning or end.

I appear to you as simple,

pretty face with a tasteful disposition.

I'm a full bag of marbled items,

fantasies, dreams and endless wishes.

I'm a twilight sky,

with a couple of burned out stars.

I'm a faded smile,

that masks a heavy heart.

I'm bound to reality by chains,

But I'm desperately longing to spread my wings.

So you see,

I'm not all that easy to be defined,

especially by one question.

So how can you ask me who am I?

XTC*

4.4.00

The mix of hands

With the vibe of light

Causes my sunglasses

To hold dreams

That are the bridge

Of beats

Which nervously shutter

Us to completion,

In ecstasy.

Merry Go Round

8.18.03

Two steps forward,
always seem to take me
Two steps back.

I'm glued to the merry-go-round now,
and I've misplaced my ticket.
All the beautiful, white ponies are taken,
leaving behind mere shadows.

I grasp the gold pole,
desperately trying to hold on
Faster and faster I ride,
each minute goes by,
without my permission

But, how did I get here?
I don't meet the height requirement,
I never could
I'm stuck in this endless loop,
and I'm afraid to step off.

I'm not sure of much right now,
I couldn't fully grasp the concept if I tried
Even if it was laid out
on a silver platter,
it wouldn't be enough for me

The only way to get where I am going
is to stay on,
BREATHE in,
and keep riding.
Because it's not the destination that matters,
it's the journey.

Die

4.19.99

Sea of Agony

Painful Finish

Wishes of despair,

Run through my eyes

All the thoughts & memories

are bound by lies.

For everything right that you did,

nothing good has unraveled,

This is one road,

I wish I never had traveled

Quicksand

9.29.02

Wrapped in your skin,

it all fell apart

I misplaced my heart

Back on the path and my bread crumbs were gone

The hourglass was broken

Covering me in sand

I pulled myself out,

found dry land

I traced along the dotted lines,

remembered my sketch

of how I was before

Found myself floating

amongst the sea

Awaiting a prophet

to take me home

When I forget my strength

I fall back into the quicksand

but someone I can return to my feet

and stand with my head towards the sky

Sunlight from my eyes,

Stars from my hands,

I think this is it

I can finally breathe again.

Myself

7.13.01

When I was little

my favorite thing was time by myself.

No-one to listen to,

No-one to disagree with,

Just myself to answer to,

myself smiling back at me,

through the pink, bubblegum mirror

As I grew older,

myself faded away,

and it's imprint was stuck,

crying in my pink, bubblegum mirror

I found love,

and fell fast

and now myself was truly lost,

But no matter how hard I looked

I never found myself again

For in love,

I lost myself and became someone different,

unrecognizable,

Someone who couldn't be alone,

who needed to be with another.

Sometimes I wonder,

if I will ever find myself again,

because I miss me,

in the twilight hour,

laughing and happy,

in my pink, bubblegum mirror,

all by myself.

Personally

6.25.01

Personally,
I could care less
If your words were strong enough
to come falling down,
and dismantle my brilliant crown,
that I recently placed upon my head
with high hopes that
it would finally stay stable
Is anything real enough
that I could place my troubles against it,
without it breaking?
All I see is glass menageries,
cloaked in sheep's clothing
With their soul purpose to hide & disguise
I wonder what they see
on the other side of my ocular vessels,
staring straight through me,
with their opinions already formulated
Could they possibly understand
my intricate brain patterns?
The ones that have slowly trickled
out through the years,
from behind my lower lobes.
My insides shed a tear,
and leave me soaked,
without my umbrella,
drowning practically
in my own self-loathing,
and my eyes are filled to the 3/4 quart line
and I can't breathe now,
but personally,
I could care less.

Alice's In Love

5.25.05

I'm falling fast into your arms
You're my escape
From all that's routine
Countless gestures,
Small tokens of your affection
Fill the spaces in my heart
Puzzle pieces become scattered,
Instead of organized
You end where I begin.
I long to see myself in your eyes,
I know you'll keep me warm
Once I get there
I pinpoint my exact strategy
to become a prisoner of your heart.
I promise to sit quietly,
and only occupy a small sector of it,
if you let me.
Falling faster now,
down the rabbit hole,
I'm no longer grasping for branches
I welcome the speed,
I smile at the insanity of it all
and take comfort in the unknown
Because where I am headed
there is no safe landing
and I do not fear it any longer
I embrace us,
I welcome the possibilities,
and I promise to send you a postcard,
when I get there.

Famished

5.25.05

Breathe In...
Smell the fire that lingers from your kiss
It emanates from your being

I belong inside your soul
I seek your comfort
and yearn for your electricity

Breath Out...
I release your connection,
upon reality
I immerse myself in the truth
The realm caves in around me
I love for the magnetism

You touch me,
caress my thoughts
with your tongue
I drown in your longing,
I'm hungry for you now,

Completely Famished...
I'm starving for your warmth
I close my eyes,
Breathe In, Breathe Out,
and I fall
Deep into denial,
Leaving no forwarding address,
Erasing all of the evidence
and waiting anxiously to dive in for seconds

Swallowed

4.23.04

Sometimes the memories are just too fresh
To wallow in them
Sometimes they cloud my head
And I can go deaf for hours
I blink,
I think,
I still don’t know why?
I swallow my pain
It swims around inside of me,
Scratching,
Clawing,
Desperately needing to submerge
The emptiness swallows me whole
It overcomes me,
And succumbs me to nothingness
It’s like a reel picture show
And I’m the star
Except the words don’t formulate
But I still know the script by heart
I’m spinning now,
I’m out of control now,
Does anybody hear me now?
DOUBTFUL
Nobody ever hears you scream
On the other side of the glass.

Band-Aid

10-24-04

I'm deep in the cut now;

I'm lost in the blood.

Rouge swirls encase my body.

I thought I'd never be here again,

that I lost the directions for good this time.

But when everything's falling apart,

and my walls have come crashing down around me,

and where I used to find safety and support has made my heart break;

Where else can I go,

but here?

To the once familiar pain,

I've caused myself.

His love is my band aid,

my anti-septic,

that heals all of life's wounds.

Without his shield,

I wither from the fiery dragon.

I melt away with time,

and bleed myself for comfort.

Breathe

I want to reminisce
About us
over and over again
I want to meet you in my mind
and embrace your heart
I want to hold you in my arms
And breathe in your skin
Youre the best part
about being in love.....

3.31.05

Rage

3-24-05

Always the rage that builds inside of me,
is the calm before the storm
I can never see straight
When I’m burning inside
So many questions
Not enough answers
I wish I had an almanac
With some clarity
You fuel me,
You rage me
You bring me to my knees
You’ve pushed me,
You’ve caged me
You made me beg and plead
How much longer will I be unsure of us?
How much longer will I be immune to us?
The world’s arms are closed to me
They sit there crossed and cold
Without an invitation in my mailbox
Nothing tangible for me to hold
If I regress now
Will I come out on top?
If I progress now
Will I be stuck to the bottom of everything?
Looking up,
Looking down
I’m always too occupied to look all around
I’m forced,
I’m battered
I’ve gone till I can’t walk anymore
I’m swollen,
I’m shattered
Pieces of me are all over your floor
Pick me up
Carry me in your warmth once more
Put me back together
Be the glue that I’ve ached for.

Inside

September 13, 2005



I want you to say good morning
to tell me you miss me
love me when I don’t love myself
count down the hours till we're together
whisper sweet nothings in my ear while I sleep
wake me to kiss me
wake me to make love to me
look in my eyes and stand still
you inhabit me
past, present and as far as I can see
you provoke me
in life, love and all the in-between
you complete me now,
always and like no other before
you are my heart
a piece, a half, the whole thing
wrapped tightly in us
and sealed with a kiss*

Replacement

September 19, 2005


I wonder if she would fit
In the spot where I once laid
I wonder if she would fit
In the broken pieces you have made
Cut
Stitch
Draw
Trace the lines around my eyes
Slowly
Snip, Snip, Snip
Make sure to outline the heart just right
Trace
Sketch
Redesign
Is it that easy to replace?
If I line her and I side by side
Will one just surely fade?
Tape
Glue
Fasten
Almost perfectly she hides my fingertips
As her silhouette blends across the page
Smooth down
Cover with glass
Hang with two, not one upon the wall
Step back 3 not 2 years
Look forward with even tilt and calm
Perfect
Perfectly imperfect
She stands where I once was
Kiss
Hug
Breed
She makes a perfect body double
As my body trembles to the ground
Shaking
Crying
Breakdown
My head in my hands on my knees on the floor
Sobbing and wailing just wishing for more
More pain and more emptiness
To sooth my weary soul
Snap
Enlarge
Presto
Just like that 2 not 1 becomes 3
Three lives, three heartbreaks, three new stories
Memories that will live forever
In the photograph
Of my broken world
Where you left me
Invisible

Fresh

December 12, 2004


Can you feel that?

Can you hear it?

Pumping thru my central nervous system like a virus I can't shake.

Can u feel it now?

Can u smell it as well?

The scent of us lingers down my spine

I still feel your presence like a tidal wave

Crashing against my bare skin.

Funny how you can still inhabit me,

immensely and intensely, suffocating my strength,

Chopping me down to a feeble being.

I’m needy now, I’m vulnerable now,

I need your warmth to keep me going

Can you feel that?

Its you;

eating at my insides,

ripping my heart to shreds

The earth is moving and crumbling beneath our footsteps,

yet you are never shaken,

nor stirred

Just simply ignorant.

Rain

October 8, 2005


Nothing is sadder then the rain pouring outside my window
The drops at least are happy when they fall
I too like the rain am pouring
Pouring out my heart
Pouring out the tears from my eyes
Emptiness subsides me
Nothing is sadder then watching the lights
Not emanating from my phone
The only sound I hear is the rain
And my heart
Slowing down
Waiting
Wishing
You would call
Just once
Hello
I miss you
I’m thinking of you
The way you smell, the way your body moves under the sheets
The way you make me feel when I catch your eyes with mine
Just once
I wish I would hear more then the rain
More then my pain echoing from my chest cavity
I am wishing I was the rain
At least then I wouldn’t be lonely
I could dance with the other drops
As they embrace the ground, the cars, the street lights
Everything they touch they fuse with
And melt into one
But they never die
They are just reborn
And my phone is still silent
And so are my tears
Nothing is sadder then the rain outside my window
Except the rain inside my heart

Dandelion

12-21-04

I want to wish my old life away,

have all the chapters get lost in the wind.

Each piece floating in a diff direction,

far, far away from me.

There will be no road map,

or trail of breadcrumbs to follow,

No street signs that would ever lead them home*

From the wilted dandelion I call my life,

I want new pedals to emerge,

to flourish and grow,

without a single trace of the old

Then I want all the pieces to match up in my puzzle

And I want my new life to remain,

for no longer will I make this kind of wish,

As long as I can wish my old life away*

Games

January 6, 2006

Like a game of chutes and ladders
This time it’s down for me
Keep all arms and legs inside
As we continue on this ride
My eyes feel like deep caves
That had been scraped of all of their melatonin
Empty carcasses dangle from the ceiling’s highest arch
Somewhere deeper you lay
As you lie to me
And I cry to thee
You always find a way to keep me silent
Invisible braces lace my mouth shut
Small wire fences enwrap my orifices
I’ve lost my voice somewhere back there
On memory lane where we once relished in
Back there,
I danced in your heart and your laughter
I swam in your tears and your blood
I frolicked through your eyes and your soul
And rested my head in your once loving arms
Your picture seems brighter now
Almost illuminated solely by your soul’s strings
And I played cats cradle with them
And wrapped each piece of you around my fingers
You slowly unwound yourself
From my grasp
And from my head
You hobbled on your cane of salt and glass
You never looked back
Not even once
For if you did
You would’ve seen me breaking
Into a million pieces
Pieces of stars and light waves and anguish
Pieces of moonbeams and gumdrops sorted by color
Pieces of broken ribs and blood vessels
All form together
To make a completed puzzle of what I once was
Before our game began
Before I had no voice
And after my heart had begun to finally heal,
We began round number two.
Game on!